Holding a Miracle

As Ethan's nurse practitioner at the NICU was going over his status this morning, our minds were swimming with the deluge of information we have taken in.  There is so much to learn and absorb, but at the moments our minds are still somewhat numb with everything going on.  When she finished going over his tests and such he would do today, she asked if we had any other questions.  We'd been under the impression that he would have to come off the CPAP machine before we could hold him, so I just repeated that to her and asked if that was for sure the case.  She looked at me and said, "No, you can hold him today!  Do you want to?"  

I was so shocked and filled with emotion, I couldn't even answer except to nod through my sobs.  They called in another nurse to help move him, sat me in a chair, and placed our little Ethan in my arms.  

Holding your baby for the first time is an incredible experience for anyone, but after only touching him through the sterile walls of an incubator, I can't begin to describe what his little body against my chest felt like.  He was crying as they handed him to me because he really doesn't like to be disturbed too much, but there was no doubt that as he felt my warmth against his, he stopped crying and reached his little arm out of the blanket towards me.

Landon recorded the whole event and we'll be sure to share it with you.  He can only stay out for about 15 minutes in order to keep his body temperature, but it was a stunning 15 minutes…the kind of minutes that you wish you could repeat over and over again.  

Today he was able to have his belly button IV's removed, he began his feedings through the feeding tube (only 1 cc of formula per six hours), and had an ultrasound of his head that returned with a completely normal result.  Those are little milestones, set in the right direction.  We have a lot of little milestones to go before he'll be able to come home, but hearing all of those good things today and holding that tiny, sweet bundle in my arms made our departure from the hospital even easier.  

Yes, it was unbelievably difficult to leave Ethan at a big hospital in Topeka while we returned to Independence.  We cried uncontrollably before we left, then laid our hands on him and prayed a prayer that parents don't want to have to speak from their lips.  Then a peace that only God can give came over us and we knew that we are doing the right things, Ethan is right where he needs to be, and God is in control.  

When we returned to Independence, I got to hold another miracle in my arms as Trent rushed in the door and ran right into my embrace.  These little boys have filled my heart and I know that it will grow each and every day.  It'll only be a matter of time before I get to sit in my own living room and hold these two miracles at the very same time.