You know when you have an overall good week but a few bad things pop up and that's all you can focus on? Well, that was my week.
On Thursday I met my Dad for lunch at a local restaurant and we happened to be seated next to a family with a brand new baby boy. Most people would find that sweet and exciting to see the little baby. It was heartwrenching for me to hear his cries and see them pass the baby from one person to another. I came home, sobbed, and decided as long as that was the mood, I would pack my maternity clothes away. This was a huge hurdle for me. I can't explain why, but just knowing I should still be wearing those clothes that protect the body that should be still carrying baby Ethan, well, it's just a tough one. So next time I think I'll just shove wood chips under my fingernails for the same effect.
Over the weekend we had several little "hiccups" at the hospital that caused me frustration, anger, tears, and every other emotion on the rainbow. But yesterday afternoon I was reading the wise blog of a friend and saw that she too had a rough situation at hand. But instead of throwing a big fit (which tends to be my solution), she focused on the wonderful little things that make the world so bright.
What an inspiration! So I thought about all of the amazing moments we had in the past several days.
- Trent jumping into my arms and just about knocking me onto the sidewalk after school when I picked him up.- Ethan moving his eyes from one blurry form to the other, knowing that one is Mommy and the other is Daddy.
- Watching his little angelic lips as they create an involuntary smile when he's sleeping.
- Feeling the cool north breeze as it blows in some of the first winds of autumn.
- Seeing the pictures of a friend who had a milestone birthday and charged through it with pride and a smile.
- Sitting down with my husband for a real dinner date over the weekend while visiting Topeka.
- Receiving text messages, emails, and Facebook posts from friends who are offering their hearts and so much more to our little family while we face some of these problems.
- Listening to football on the radio and rejoicing in the hometown win.
- The smell of Ethan's baby lotion as I rubbed it all over his tender skin.
- Knowing that just a few more days and weeks, and then we'll have an amazing homecoming with our sweet baby boy.
The list could go on forever. So why is it that our minds focus on the few bad things in life, as if they outweigh the continuous joy we experience? I can't commit to always focusing on the good, because we'll certainly have times where the darkness seems to drown out the light, but with a few deep breaths and a prayerful heart, I know that the joys will outshine any heartache that comes into our path.
Jenny- your blog brought tears to my eyes. Us nurses sometimes forget (or have absolutely no idea) how tough being in the NIC can be on families, especially ones that come to us from as far away as you guys have. I feel honored to be one of the nurses that consistently gets the pleasure of caring for Ethan. He is an amazing, adorable little boy, and I always look forward to caring for him when I come to work. He has grown up so much and is definately developing his personality and facial expressions. You are so right that he is starting to focus on faces because he always looks at me like " who the heck are you?!" with his brows pushed together and his lips in that O shape! Anyway...I hope that I personally have not done anything to make this time even harder on you and your family. I also hope that you will let me know if you need absolutely anything. I do look forward to your nightly phone calls to check on Ethan (your dedication to your son is refreshing and I love hearing your cheery voice)! I look forward to caring for your family more! ~Nurse Mandie
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