The internal battle of motherly instinct

Some people call it motherly instinct, for others it's learned habits from generations before, but not matter what you call it, most females have an innate ability and desire to nurture their children.

For mothers with NICU babies, that instinct is squelched.  Sure, the NICU facility goes to great lengths to help parents feel like they are helping with their children, and there are some times that our presence there is helpful.  But the challenge facing every NICU mother is allowing the medical staff to do what they think is right for your baby while you feel an inner desire to help him yourself.

Today I'm feeling that challenge.  Ethan had a setback today.  It was nothing major and we continue to count our blessings, especially as our eyes have become more open to the world of preemie babies and the challenges that many face.  But still…he's our baby, so even minor setbacks are painful.

Ethan's little body decided today that it was tired of digesting…a job that he shouldn't have had to do at this point anyway.  Because of his digestive issues, he had a few breathing issues too.  So after increasing his settings on his CPAP machine, two x-rays, and a new IV, he seems to be doing fine.  All tests were clear and they are giving his digestive track some time to rest tonight by just giving him nutrients through the IV.

But the hardest bit of news for me today was that he cried.  He didn't cry because he was getting his diaper changed, or they had to do a blood draw, or he didn't like the position he was in.  He just cried.  

How can I not feel like he was crying for his mama?  How do I squelch the desire to reach in his warm isolette, pull off all the tubes, wrap him in a blanket, and gently rock him to sleep?  Even though I've been told that preemies with tummy problems need to be left alone, why do the words of older, wiser women in my life ring in my ears and make me want to massage his little tummy?  How do I keep my van from heading north tonight, even though I know that there is nothing I can do by being there?  

Don't get me wrong…we have complete confidence in the staff overseeing his care and know that he continues on the road to good health.  But tonight I have this overwhelming desire to yell out the window to anybody that will listen, "Mama knows best!"  Call it intuition, instinct, or a learned skill, but tonight it is tearing me apart because it's the first day that my baby cried for me.