It was last summer that we sat in our Sunday School classroom and discussed the life of Job. The hardships and trials he endured…the faith that remained so strong. We discussed the different afflictions that might face us in present day. I remember Landon and I remarking to each other how fortunate we were that so far in life our trials were limited in number. One person spoke up and said, "I hesitate to even bring this up, but the worst trial I can think of is something happening to our kids." There was an audible shudder in the room.
A few months later I found myself in the self-help section of a Christian bookstore. My eyes landed on a book called "Holding on to Hope" by Nancy Guthrie. It was a journey through suffering to the heart of God, using the life of Job as the example through out the entire book. How had our lives changed so much in a short time that a once seemingly distant Job now had uttered some of the very words that we were feeling.
When my water broke on August 11, 2010, only 27 weeks into my pregnancy, it seemed as if the world stopped spinning. Yet it also seemed as if it were spinning out of control. The trauma of rushing to the hospital, the fear on the doctors faces, the panicked sounds from our family on the phone…those experiences were enough to stop a person in their tracks. But we were only beginning.
As the little Cessna airplane lifted into the stormy sky to take me to Topeka, a song popped into my head. It was a praise and worship song I hadn't heard in years and yet there it was.
"If you catch hell, don't hold it. If you're going through hell, don't stop…..I'm goin' through, I'm goin' through, goin' through, goin' through, goin' through…don't stop!"
We faced heartache and fear that I'm pretty sure gave us a glimpse of the agony that is truly found in hell. And as I watched the lights of Independence disappear through the little airplane window, I decided right there, we weren't going to stop. In fact, we were going to charge ahead and come out more vibrant on the other side of this situation, whatever may come.
After spending 8 days on bed rest, being away from each other by many miles, and delivering our precious baby boy, who only weighed just over 2 pounds, we spent the next 2 months in an alternate universe. I spent many hours next to Ethan's isolate crying and wondering how in the world we would ever get through the pain.
But we held tight to the Christian faith and loving God that we believe in. He provided beyond measure in those difficult moments. We kept the fruits of the spirit rolling around in our minds and when adversity came knocking, peace would overcome our hearts. When a nurse walked in without a smile, kindness was extended. When we wanted answers to our questions right at that moment, patience took over.
Now that's not to say we didn't have our own thoughts of "why us, God?" and "why would He allow our little baby to struggle?" But as soon as the first of those thoughts came to mind, it quickly turned to, "what is the purpose, God? Show us how we can glorify you through this." We are confident that He has an incredible purpose for us to have gone through this experience and we are excited to see it playing out in our lives now and what may come in the future.
BOLDNESS
For years, boldness has been a huge downfall for me. I believe that Jesus is God's Son and He died on the cross for our sins. I also believe that the only way to Heaven is through Him.
So why have I not been bold enough to offer my heart to friends and family who need Jesus? Fear…fear of not knowing how they'll react, fear of rejection, fear of looking stupid, fear of not knowing what to say. I can't explain why but the fear is going away. I have a story to share and when the opportunity arises, I am going to share it.
LIFE
For me, Ethan's birth changed my heart. I saw life hang in the balance. We heard terms like "survival rate" and "viability" and knew that our baby would cling to every breath when he was born. My ideals on abortion were completely changed. Previously I would say that my stance would have been "pro-choice" which does not mean "pro-abortion" but that women should choose what is going on with their own bodies. The thought of politicians in suits making those decisions for women was appalling. But even more appalling is that babies born at the same gestational age as Ethan are still allowed to be aborted.
Ethan wasn't a fetus at 28 weeks. He was our baby, our little boy. His name was already on the wall in his nursery. He kicked and moved when I vacuumed the house. He cried and breathed on his own the moment they pulled him from my womb.
I was Ethan's chance of survival. I was his advocate, his voice. So my heart softened and now it makes me weak in the knees to know that a baby wouldn't be given a chance at life.
PRAYER
Another growing point for us was in the power of prayer. In our church we have a prayer chain. I hate to admit it but to that point, I would think about the people on the prayer list, lump them into a generalized prayer, and call it good. But when we began texting and calling our family and friends to tell them to pray before we even left Independence, I wanted them to earnestly pray. I mean get-on-your-knees-and-call-out-to-God kind of prayer. We prayed through our tears, we prayed while we laid hands on Ethan, we prayed for healing, we prayed for safety, and just about anything else that you could pray for.
There were a few times that we had some very specific needs in that hospital for Ethan. I would share the need on Facebook and with our church, and I can attest that the prayers were answered, not in weeks or days, but within minutes.
There were also times when I had a hard time praying. Exhausted doesn't begin to describe our bodies and minds during those months and sometimes it was easier to cry than it was to pray. But one friend and church member sent me a text message during one such desperate moment and said, "Just know that the body of Christ is lifting you to a Heavenly place right now." Wow…what a wonderful thought. When we, as Christians, find ourselves struggling to come into the presence of Jesus, our brothers and sisters will lift us up to Him.
Now when I get the prayer chain or hear a prayer request, it is not a fleeting thought. It is essential to help bear the burden of what others are going through and lift them to God.
WHAT'S NEXT….
After that day in Sunday School, Landon and I talked about our testimony and how it seemed we didn't have much to share. We were both raised in Christian homes by Christian parents, had gone to church all our lives, been involved in praise and worship, and our suffering in life was, for the most part, bearable. But now we have a story. We can tell how full of joy our hearts were, even in the darkest moments. How much deeper our love for each other, our families, and our God has become after our lives had been turned upside down.
And our testimony isn't done. We long to see the next chapter and watch as God unveils His amazing plan for us. Pain and suffering are not behind us. Life happens and we know that tears will flow again. But it is our prayer that our lives will continue to reflect Christ and we will continue to grow in His likeness, no matter what life may bring.
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